Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
