I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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