I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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