His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
