If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
