ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
