shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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