if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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