Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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