We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize