$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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