i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
