My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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