The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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