ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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