you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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