still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
