the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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