My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize