I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
