I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
