2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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