I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
