I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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