It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
