The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize