i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
