apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
