I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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