All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
