dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize