btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Let's get the cat blown out
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
