So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
