just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
