Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
