I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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