I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
