i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
