the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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