just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My day in three words: secret purse cake
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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