We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
