A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
