i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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