You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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