I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
