it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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