tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
