All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just puked most of my soul out..
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