I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
