I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
