you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Drake has all the answers
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
