I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
