Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
