mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
