I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize