The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He better not be in your backpack
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
