i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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