Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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