Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
