I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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