They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
