if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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