nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
