I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
