I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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