6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
